CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
"The Dog"
FADE IN:
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY (1)
LARRY and CHERYL exit "The Bear Pit" barbecue restaurant.
Larry is excited as he holds several bottles of sauce.
LARRY
So? Was I right?
CHERYL
Okay, it was good, but why did you
buy the sauce?
LARRY
Maybe I'll barbecue
CHERYL
(laughing) You?
LARRY
What's so funny?
CHERYL
Well, for starters, we don't own a
barbecue.
LARRY
So, I'll get one.
CHERYL
Larry, you don't even use the
microwave.
LARRY
Not because I can't. I don't want
to. Those things cause cancer.
CHERYL
And five pounds of red meat
doesn't?
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LARRY
Well, it... red meat is--
CHERYL
Nice comeback. (then) What time is
it?
LARRY
I don't know.
CHERYL
How about you look at your watch?
He holds it up.
LARRY
Broken. It's been stuck at two
o'clock for a couple of weeks now.
CHERYL
Is the battery dead?
LARRY
I don't know. I guess it could be.
CHERYL
So why do you wear it?
LARRY
It looks good on me. Can't a watch
just be a fashion statement?
Cheryl walks off. Larry strikes a pose with the watch.
CHERYL (O.C.)
Oh my goodness. You are so cute!
Larry looks toward Cheryl and realizes that she's not talking
about him. She's wandered into one of those pet adoption
stands that pop up on Los Angeles' street corners.
ANGLE ON - CHERYL
As she kneels outside a wire cage. Inside, there's a medium
sized mutt wearing a turquoise bandana.
CHERYL
Larry, isn't he adorable?
Larry keeps his distance, moving near the adoption
information table.
LARRY
Yeah, he's okay.
CHERYL
He really likes me.
LARRY
You smell like a smokehouse... Of
course he likes you.
CHERYL
Oh, and look at the little scarf.
Larry turns to a woman behind the table.
LARRY
What, he's not cute enough on his
own... you have to give him the
bandana?
The woman shrugs her shoulders as Cheryl approaches Larry.
CHERYL
Can we get him?
LARRY
No.
CHERYL
Oh come on.
LARRY
Why do we need a dog?
CHERYL
For protection.
LARRY
I'll get you a bodyguard. They
shit less in the house.
CHERYL
I don't want a bodyguard. I want
Chester.
LARRY
You've named him already?
CHERYL
Yes I have.
LARRY
Can we talk about this?
CHERYL
Can we talk about adopting a baby?
Uh oh, Cheryl's used her "Trump Card" again. Larry sulks.
LARRY
(defeated) Alright, but you're
taking care of him.
CHERYL
(excited) Thank you!
Cheryl runs off to be with Chester as Larry turns to NINA, an
adoption representative. She's a mid-30's Columbian woman
who wears little make-up and takes even less crap.
LARRY
Hey.
NINA
Hey.
LARRY
So... I guess we'll take that one
over there.
Nina looks blankly at Larry.
LARRY
The kinda raggedy looking one...
with the bandana?
NINA
You can't just take him.
LARRY
Yes I can.
NINA
No, you can't.
LARRY
Oh, but I can. See, I got a car
over there, and you got a sign here
that says, "Pet Adoptions". I
think it all works out.
NINA
It doesn't happen like that. We
gotta make sure your environment is
acceptable.
LARRY
Our environment?
NINA
We need to make sure you have
enough space for him.
LARRY
Lady, you got him in a one by one
cage over there cooking in the sun,
and you're talking to me about
environment?
NINA
Sir, it's our policy--
LARRY
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you have a
policy? These are rescued animals,
right?
NINA
So?
LARRY
So assholes drop off animals that
they don't want anymore, and you
hassle the decent people that want
to take them off your hands?
NINA
We don't "hassle", we're careful.
LARRY
Well, if "careful" means inspecting
my house to take a dog no one
wants, then it's a hassle. Hell, I
can go down to a pet store right
now and buy a brand spanking new
dog, no questions asked!
NINA
Then maybe you should!
LARRY
Then maybe I will!
Larry turns around to see Cheryl. She's pissed. Off Larry's
dejected look, we...
CUT TO:
INT. CAR (MOVING) - MOMENTS LATER
Larry drives as Cheryl reads an adoption pamphlet.
LARRY
I can't believe we have to
"audition" for a dog a homeless guy
didn't want!
CHERYL
Look, she just said they want to
see the yard to make sure that the
environment will make Chester
happy.
LARRY
And what about my happiness?
CHERYL
You're never happy.
LARRY
Well, maybe I'll have them find a
better "environment" for me too.
CHERYL
(under her breath) As long as it
comes with a muzzle.
LARRY
What was that?
CHERYL
I said, "As long as it comes with a
muzzle!"
LARRY
That's what I thought you said.
CHERYL
Well good for you.
LARRY
Thanks.
EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE - LATER (DAY 1)
A car pulls up and parks. Larry and Cheryl do their best
"American Gothic" pose in the doorway.
Nina and JOSE get out of their car. Nina holds a clipboard.
They both wear white protest T-Shirts that read, "STOP
CHAVEZ".
CLOSE ON - THE SHIRT
There's a picture of Chavez wearing a hat, glasses, and
smoking a cigar.
BACK TO SCENE
CHERYL
Welcome to our home.
NINA
Thank you. This is Jose.
They all shake hands, then...
LARRY
So where's this Chavez going?
Nina and Jose stop in their tracks.
NINA
Excuse me?
Uh oh, Larry's offended them. Cheryl tries to stop him from
speaking but...
LARRY
Nothing. It's just that... well,
It says you want to stop him... And
I just wanted to know where he's...
going.
JOSE
Where we come from, Jaime Chavez is
a ruthless tyrant.
We're attending a rally to try to
stop his heartless treatment of
underprivileged workers in our
country.
Nina starts writing on her clipboard.
LARRY
Oh, I didn't mean any... (to Nina)
...you're writing already? You
haven't even seen the house yet.
What are you writing?
Larry leans close to get a look at the clipboard. She turns
away.
NINA
Just notes.
LARRY
Notes about what? I mean--
CHERYL
(overly friendly) Would you like to
come in?
Cheryl gestures the two into the home, then shoots a look to
Larry.
INT. LARRY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
They all walk toward the back door.
CHERYL
How about some lemonade?
NINA/JOSE
Thank you.
CHERYL
Larry, why don't you take our
guests to see the backyard?
LARRY
I can't wait.
Larry gestures them to the patio.
EXT. BACK OF HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Larry and Jose stand as Nina walks the yard.
JOSE
Is it all fenced in?
LARRY
Yeah, with the fence there.
Nina spots something in the grass.
NINA
What's this?
ANGLE ON - THE LAWN
There's a pile of poop on the grass.
BACK TO SCENE
Jose and Larry approach. There's silence for a moment as
they all stare at it.
LARRY
Okay, I'll take a shot. Is it dog
crap?
Nina and Jose conference for a moment. Jose then walks to
the fence.
NINA
(to Larry) It's coyote.
LARRY
Will the judges accept that?
NINA
I'm afraid not. We can't have wild
animals around the dog.
Jose yells from the fence.
JOSE
It looks like they're digging in
under the fence over here!
ANGLE ON - BACKDOOR
As Cheryl walks into the backyard with a tray of lemonade,
she hears...
LARRY (O.C.)
Are you kidding?! I'm not building
a brand new fence for a used dog!
Cheryl rushes toward the trio.
BACK TO SCENE
Nina argues with Larry.
NINA
You don't need a new fence. You
just need something to stop the
coyotes from digging under. A
concrete trench should work.
CHERYL
Coyotes are getting in our yard?
LARRY
How do you know they're not
throwing it over the fence?
JOSE
Here's the card of a contractor
we've used at the shelter. He can
probably do the job in one day.
Jose holds up the card. Larry begrudgingly takes it.
LARRY
Oh, I'm sure he can. Tell me. Is
this the regular scam, or are we
getting special treatment?
Nina gives Cheryl the list off of her clipboard.
NINA
(to Cheryl) Here's what we need
done. Once the work is completed,
we'll be happy to bring the dog to
you. (to Jose) We should really
be going.
Jose and Nina walk off.
LARRY
Yes, go! We wouldn't want to slow
down the big business of dog
adoptions!
Cheryl looks at a disgusted Larry.
LARRY
Do you believe this?
Larry holds up the card. Cheryl glares at Larry.
CHERYL
I don't believe you.
Cheryl storms off.
LARRY
What did I do?
Larry glances down at the business card...
CLOSE UP - BUSINESS CARD
It reads, "Randall Stevens. Licensed and Bonded Contractor."
MATCH CUT TO:
EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE - BACKYARD - MORNING (2)
LARRY (O.C.)
What does licensed and bonded mean
anyway?
Larry lowers the card to REVEAL RANDALL STEVENS. A large,
muscular contractor with a slight southern accent who seems
awestruck by Larry's house. He also holds a clipboard and a
pen.
RANDALL
It's just insurance crap. (then)
Man, this is some house. How much
did something like this run ya?
LARRY
You know, I'd rather not say.
RANDALL
It doesn't matter. With my
construction background, I got a
pretty good idea anyway. (then)
Five mil?
LARRY
Can we just get to business?
RANDALL
Okay, got ya. So I hear you got
some coyotes? (pronounced: ky
yoats)
LARRY
You mean coyot-ees?
RANDALL
Yeah, ky-yoats.
LARRY
Yep, we sher-doo!
RANDALL
Any ideas?
LARRY
Well, they said you could just dig
a trench under the fence in a day
and fill it with concrete--
RANDALL
Whoa, whoa... You ever dig a
trench?
LARRY
No.
RANDALL
Then let's not figure a day's work
just yet. Besides, I've never done
this type of thing before.
LARRY
You haven't?
RANDALL
No, but it looks fairly standard.
Now, you need this thing all the
way around the fence?
He starts writing on his clipboard.
LARRY
Unless you think we can confuse 'em
by only doing half.
Randall laughs.
RANDALL
Hey, that's funny. You mind if I
use that?
LARRY
Be my guest.
RANDALL
(writing; to himself) "Confuse 'em
by only doing half."
LARRY
And we need this done as soon as
possible.
RANDALL
What time you got?
LARRY
(looking at his watch) I don't
know. My watch doesn't work.
RANDALL
Boy that's a nice one for not
working. How much was it--
LARRY
It was a gift.
RANDALL
Ah.
As Randall stares at the watch for a long awkward beat.
Then...
LARRY
So when can you start?
LARRY
Well, I'll have to make some phone
calls, but I think I can get going
right away.
LARRY
So how much you think this is gonna
cost?
RANDALL
Well, with going all the way
around. The digging, concrete, and
a rush job. I'd say around... Five
grand.
LARRY
Five grand? I thought you said
you'd never done this before?
RANDALL
You're right. It could be closer
to ten.
LARRY
But I gave you the joke.
RANDALL
Yeah, but you can't fill up a
trench with jokes. Am I right?
Randall starts laughing, and playfully slaps Larry on the
shoulder. Larry bristles, then...
LARRY
I'll tell you what. You keep it
under five, and I'll give you the
watch.
Larry takes off the watch and hands it to Randall. He
inspects it for a second, then...
RANDALL
Deal.
They shake hands as we...
CUT TO:
EXT. JEFF'S CAR (MOVING) - DAY (2)
Jeff drives with Larry in the passenger's seat.
JEFF (V.O.)
Five thousand dollars?!
INT. JEFF'S CAR - SAME TIME
LARRY
I know. It's a scam, right? I can
smell a scam coming from ten miles
away.
JEFF
Of course it's a scam! I just
can't believe you're going along
with it.
LARRY
What can I say, Cheryl wants that
dog.
JEFF
Yeah, but five grand? It's a
trench with some concrete thrown in
for God's sake. That shouldn't be
more than a couple hundred bucks.
LARRY
You're hired.
JEFF
I'm not kidding. Look, they didn't
say you have to use this guy,
right?
LARRY
No, they just gave me his card.
JEFF
And he's never done it before?
LARRY
That's what he said.
JEFF
So you just have to make it look
good for the inspection, right?
LARRY
I guess so.
JEFF
So go buy the stuff and do it
yourself.
Larry looks at Jeff as if to say, "Look at who you're talking
to."
JEFF
Okay, then go get one of those
street guys to do the job.
LARRY
Street guys?
JEFF
You know, those Mexican workers you
can hire by the day.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. HOME DEPOT PARKING LOT - DAY (2)
In the background Jeff talks with MANUEL, a 30-something
Latin male. Larry tries his best to look comfortable
surrounded by various workers. Jeff approaches.
JEFF
Larry, this is Manuel. I've
explained what you need done, and
he's got a truck to take everything
to your house. Just go inside with
him and pay for the stuff, and
he'll take you home and do the
work. (to Manuel) Un momento.
Jeff walks Larry to the side.
JEFF
He speaks some English so you
should be cool. Also, I got him
down to eight.
LARRY
Eight? Are you sure?
JEFF
Yep, it's all taken care of.
LARRY
That's great. I didn't know you
speak Spanish?
JEFF
Un poquito.
LARRY
Shady business deals, foreign
languages, is there anything I
don't know?
JEFF
I masturbate incessantly?
LARRY
That's not a secret.
JEFF
Oh. Then that's about it.
Jeff heads to his car as Larry and Manuel walk toward Home
Depot.
INT. LARRY'S OFFICE - DAY (2)
Larry's ASSISTANT is on the phone.
ASSISTANT
(into phone) Did you say coyotes?
INT. HOME DEPOT - SAME TIME
Manuel walks with a cart full of supplies. Larry throws in a
couple of new hats, gloves, and other yard-related items
while he follows. He tries to talk over the noise of various
tools, forklifts, and customers while on the cell phone.
LARRY
(into phone) That's right.
We intercut back and forth during their conversation.
ASSISTANT
What about them?
LARRY
I need you to find out anything you
can about them. What they eat, how
aggressive they are, and most
importantly, how to keep them out
of a backyard. And see if it says
anything about digging a concrete
trench under a fence.
He turns the corner to see a display of barbecue grills.
Featured is the "Grillmaster Deluxe", complete with the
picture of a muscular man in an apron. Larry stops dead in
his tracks.
ASSISTANT
Anything else?
LARRY
(into phone) I gotta go.
Larry hangs up the phone and stares at the box.
LARRY
(whispering; to himself) The
Grillmaster Deluxe.
Manuel steps in front of Larry.
MANUEL
You want?
Larry snaps out of it.
LARRY
Huh? No, it's just--
MANUEL
I put together. It's simple.
Larry looks at Manuel, then at the grill. He smiles.
LARRY
Okay.
CUT TO:
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